Someone recently told me that, although my blog description claims to share all the aspects of my life, I tend to be less than forthcoming with the negative parts. I realize that I often don't share my feelings of fear, hurt, anger, frustration on my blog. I suppose the reason is two-fold, I usually blog at night after everything has calmed down and I have had a chance to put the day in perspective (at that point it doesn't seem as bad as it did when I was in the middle of it!), but I also have always struggled with the concept that showing these emotions is a sign of weakness.
Truth be told, I am a big chicken. I say that with a smile, but it is an accurate description of me. I am nervous about taking my daughter to school tomorrow (usually Rick does this)...will I get lost, will I get in the right car line, will I be able to get out of the parking lot, will I know how to sign her in. Silly, insignificant things like this can paralyze me with fear. It is not so much those individual items, but the overall fear of looking stupid, of humiliation, of appearing to not be in absolute control at all times.
I have been down lately. Hurt, angry, frustrated. I have cried and cried out to God to save me from this place that I am in. I have strayed far from the path that God has laid out for me and I have been lost. Only in the past couple of days have I seen the beacon of light leading me back to shore. I have gotten back into His word and that is where I need to be. But I wanted to share my feelings with you all to let you know that I am not always happy. I am often not fine when I say I am fine.
I have been overwhelmed with life lately and have been feeling inadequate as a wife and mother and even at my job. I have frequently felt inadequate as a wife and mother, but usually I am pretty secure in my job performance...it is the one thing I do well. Having a wonderful husband like mine is often a double-edged sword, especially when you pair him with someone like me-who is afraid of everything. For a long time, he has made up for my deficits, he handles the aspects of parenting that terrify me (birthday parties with people I don't know, school drop off and pick up, soccer practice & games, etc.). But recently, recognizing that I need to put aside my irrational fears and participate in life, he has begun turning over many of these things to me...some out of necessity (he works evenings) and some not out of necessity. Unfortunately, I do not feel I measure up to him in the performance of these tasks.
I am surrounded by women who lament their husbands who don't help with the kids, don't do any housework and some that don't even work at all. I, on the other hand, am married to the male version of June Cleaver! Not only does he do these things, but he does them better than me. That is a tough pill to swallow, and it often leaves me feeling inadequate and useless. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of and do contribute equally to our household, but he has often picked up where I am afraid to go on.
So there it is....all my ugly, dark, negative feelings. The walls are down, the floodgates open. I need friends and family to talk to sometimes. Someone to understand where I am and just say "It's okay, I have been there too." Moving to Greensboro was one of the best decisions we have made, but it has not been without challenges. One of those challenges is finding a network of friends that can see me at my worst and still love me. Friends that can come over when my house is a mess and my kids are nasty and I am not at my best and not judge. Hopefully this will give you some insight into me as a person and peel away another layer of protection around my heart.
Love & Prayers.