Thursday, March 24, 2011
I have failed to submit over and over these past couple of weeks. I know I am not following God's will for my life and I am choosing self-satisfaction (which is strangely unsatisfying) over self-sacrifice. I have come to realize that when I get upset and angry with my husband or my children, that usually I am truly just angry with myself, and that has never been more clear than in the past few days.
I am frustrated that I cannot be at home with my children, and jealous of my husband, who will be homeschooling them next year. I have failed to submit to God's will that this is the season of my life, this is His plan for me now and there is a purpose in it.
I am frustrated that we have not grown our family either through adoption or naturally...we both desire more children. I have failed to submit to God's will that this is the right size for our family right now. I have failed to submit to my husband in that he is not ready to consider adoption right now.
Quitting my job or getting pregnant or starting the adoption process would not solve my frustrations, however. Until I submit to God's will and learn to be content with what He has given me NOW, I will never understand true joy and never feel completely satisfied. I must seek my satisfaction in Him, not in the fulfillment of my own selfish desires.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I was convicted by my sweet 5-year old daughter, Emma this weekend. She asked if my husband and I still loved each other like we did on our wedding day, to which I replied "yes, of course". Then she asked why we didn't speak nicely to one another...hmmmmm. We both tend to have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I could see that we have not often spoken "nicely" to one another.
I have been praying for my husband as part of my daily devotional for the past couple of weeks, and the prayer for today was regarding his speech. I have often found as I work through the "31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband" that I am convicted of the very things I am praying about for him! Today was no exception...
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:31-32
So my goal, dear friends, is to speak only kind words. To be quiet and submissive and edifying to my husband. I will not be upset or angry if his words do not change right away, I will not let his actions determine my own...I can only change me, God must do the work in Rick to change his words, and Rick must be willing to accept God's work in him. But I can set a good example for my daughter and I can change my words and my heart.