Thursday, July 29, 2010


When does it stop? When do I finally get it?

I have prayed and begged, read my Bible, studied the scripture, sought advice from wiser, more godly men and women....when will I finally get it and start to feel like I am becoming the woman God wants me to be.

I am so wretched and sinful, selfish and angry and easily led astray. I hate those things about me that keep me from my God.

I am jealous of my friends who are much that it is hard for me to go to baby showers. All I can think about is the loss of my recent pregnancy (not so recent anymore...April 2010, but it is still so fresh and painful). Why can't I just be happy with the 3 wonderful children I have, and be happy for my friends who are experiencing this wonderful blessing from God? What is wrong with me?

I am so selfish with my husband....I expect so much of him, and he gives so much as it is, but I want more. What is wrong with me, why can't I see the blessing God has given me in a husband who cares for our children and works and goes to school? Why must I demand more and how much is enough?

I know that my walk with God is a continual journey and that I will never be "good enough", but will I ever feel less wretched, will I ever stop feeling worthless? When will I feel compassion and love instead of jealousy and anger?


  1. Meredith;
    Your post today was beautiful and extremely heartfelt. What I feel when I read your posts is that I see a wonderful woman of God pouring out her heart. You inspire me with your written word and I see a Godly woman, wife and mother. Be proud of how far you have come and you are gifted by God's grace. You see things more clearly than many and your striving to have a closer walk with God is astounding to me. I am sorry for your loss, that pain reaches deep and takes time to heal, your emotions are entirely normal. Take it one day at a time and know that God holds your heart and mind through the healing process. Blessings to you my precious friend!

  2. Thank you so much, Donna! I didn't read your comment until just a few nights ago and it is so encouraging. You are a wise woman and I am blessed to count you among my friends!