Thursday, March 24, 2011
I have failed to submit over and over these past couple of weeks. I know I am not following God's will for my life and I am choosing self-satisfaction (which is strangely unsatisfying) over self-sacrifice. I have come to realize that when I get upset and angry with my husband or my children, that usually I am truly just angry with myself, and that has never been more clear than in the past few days.
I am frustrated that I cannot be at home with my children, and jealous of my husband, who will be homeschooling them next year. I have failed to submit to God's will that this is the season of my life, this is His plan for me now and there is a purpose in it.
I am frustrated that we have not grown our family either through adoption or naturally...we both desire more children. I have failed to submit to God's will that this is the right size for our family right now. I have failed to submit to my husband in that he is not ready to consider adoption right now.
Quitting my job or getting pregnant or starting the adoption process would not solve my frustrations, however. Until I submit to God's will and learn to be content with what He has given me NOW, I will never understand true joy and never feel completely satisfied. I must seek my satisfaction in Him, not in the fulfillment of my own selfish desires.